Dan the man

Christmas blues

December 11th, 2023

The holidays are so very different from year to year, as a child it was magical every year as I grew up it was predictable at best, then I had my own kids and it was magical again. I enjoyed being a dad, both of my sons were everything to me. Our marriage began to disintegrate not long after our second son was born, my ex- wife got post partem so severe she could barely get out of bed. We went to doctors, psychologists, even priests to get help and we did but she was really never the same after that. It was nine years until I fell off the rails and began a two year battle with drugs and alcohol. I worked for my dad with one of my brothers and I was fucking that up almost every day, I was a model employee up until that point, always on time and ready to work. At first it was just a couple of late mornings and I would blame my ex for me being late, but after a few months it was a lot. I was living on cocaine and booze with little to no sleep all of my decisions were bad, one summer I got arrested three times and baker acted twice. Thru all that we got divorced and I lost everything we had to her. The court gave me one Saturday a month for three hours of supervised visitation with my two sons. I destroyed not only my life but everyone I loved. How does a person bounce back from that??? Every day I went to work I felt nothing but anger and hatred, I no longer had any friends or money I was at rock bottom. One day I said enough is enough and I must turn my life around, but I had nothing left to live for there was no reason for me to be there. My kids hated me and told me they didn’t love me anymore. That was a kick in the nuts that nearly cost me my life. That night was the last night I would get wasted, after an eight ball of coke and a bottle of booze I found myself in my garage with a gun barrel in my mouth struggling to pull the trigger. My mind was running out of control, the craziest thoughts I ever had in my life happened that night. I woke up on the floor in my garage completely broken. I knew there was no way I will be able to change my life while living there I had to go away, far away. After twenty six years as I am writing this those emotions are flooding in, I can taste the gun metal in my mouth tears running down my face so much they’re soaking my shirt. Since that night and many before and a few after I wonder why I was spared, how did I lack the courage to pull the trigger, but have the courage face the never ending obstacles that life has thrown at me. I do believe in GOD and I have always had angels around me. I know it sounds crazy that’s a topic for another day, I ended up moving to Florida, a mere fifteen hundred miles away, I had a friend that had moved there to live with their father they said they could put me up so I moved just like that.
December 8th, 2023

What could you do less of?

Eat, think or eating too much when I’m over thinking. They say the mind is a beautiful thing and I couldn’t agree more, this past year and looking ahead to the coming year I have been working on my brain. My thoughts actually and I know a lot of things cannot be explained I’m working to control the things I can. Those thoughts that pop in my head that I question as soon as I get them. Mostly though I’m gaining control of the thoughts of over indulgence weather it’s food, TV, exercise, every aspect of my life I’m creating a balanced thought process and behavior.
December 5th, 2023

Are you more of a night or morning person?

I’m a total morning person. I also can stay out to the wee hours if need be, I am a huge fan of naps I take a nap almost everyday and go to bed somewhere between 10:30-11:00 o’clock at night. I usually wake up around 4:00 am every morning, for me it’s the best time of my day, I get out of bed start the coffee maker walk to the end of the driveway to get the paper take a deep breath and give thanks that I’m able to live another day. Back in the house I fill a big stainless steel mixing bowl with water and ice and submerge my face in it 3-4 times, usually until my face is numb, I then do both of my hands one at a time. I then drink a tall glass of ice water by then the coffee is ready I clean the bowl,coffee pot and basket put honey in my cup of coffee separate the newspaper sections sit down and read the paper which the very best part of the paper are the comics and puzzles and get my day moving in a forward direction.
December 1st, 2023

What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make? Why?

Having to get a divorce. After 14 years our marriage was broken and divorce was the logical solution but with two children it made it impossible to cope with. She was vindictive and badmouthed me all the time . Now 26 years later my sons still want nothing to do with me.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved ones. A basic statement given the fact I do not know anyone reading this, but for me it means the same here as it does when I speak it to my family and friends. Caring and loving are universal it applies the same for strangers or family and friends. Some call me naive, gullible weak, dumb the list is long. There are a few that get it, they understand that loving your fellow man is a privilege not a requirement. Today is not just about love, but what we are thankful for. For me I am grateful everyday because throughout my life there were many, many opportunities for my life to end, whether by accidents with cars, motorcycles, drugs or alcohol there was even a point in my life were I tried to end it myself… rock bottom they call it. I don’t know why or how I was spared, I used to feel I wasn’t religious enough, but over time learned that beliefs and faith do not need any requirements, attendance or donations it’s all inside ourselves, it’s our choice no one else’s, but maybe today I will be a little more grateful for the amazing life I live.

November 23rd, 2023
November 21st, 2023

What’s your favorite month of the year? Why?

I really enjoy September, it’s a month of change after a hot grueling summer with kids on summer break and families taking vacations September slows things down temperatures start to cool parents are back in the groove of balancing work and family kids are preparing for another school year. September puts us in limbo between the craziness of summer vacation and the madness of the holidays.
I believe the sexual revolution was around the ‘70, ‘80, ‘90’ for me it began in 1981 she was a girl I knew from school and around the neighborhood. I knew very little about her, but she was very nice to me and kind of cute in a high school kind of way. After graduating we didn’t keep with the same crowd so we faded back to being strangers until one night in 1981 she joined our crowd for a night of hanging around listening to music a little drinking a little weed just enjoying the moment on a Friday night. As the night progressed into the wee hours and the people were going their own way either alone or with a girl from the bar across the street she and I found ourselves alone, the beer and weed had settled in and we both had a nice buzz going and the electricity was palpable we climbed into the back of my van and spent the night rocking the van until sunrise. In the morning she hopped in her car and drove out of my life for what would end up being four years. It was a great first time for me although as I have looked back on that night throughout my life it was OK not mind blowing earth shattering sex just OK, mostly because I had zero experience in the act of sex so I made a promise to myself to learn how to have great sex. Turns out it is a lifetime commitment to always learning always improving always being aware of your partner’s actions and reactions, techniques that are proven winners and losers. Back then all we had were books and magazines which if you ever lived in a small town were something you were buying without one of you parents or brothers finding out, the other option which I decided to use was talk to women, as questions, even the uncomfortable ones. The women should be older out of college single a little promiscuous. So clearly I was going to be traveling to other towns and cities to find the knowledge I was looking for.

November 14th, 2023
November 7th, 2023

What will your life be like in three years?

I plan on retiring and spending half of the year in Thailand. My wife is from there and we bought a house there 3 years ago, we go there every year for a month sometimes longer, but I am looking forward to living there at least for the winter months.
November 2nd, 2023

What’s something you believe everyone should know.

Common sense
As a white male in the 70’s and 80’s losing your virginity was something the was bragged about and lied about. Most of my friends had said they lost it around 15-16 years old, around the time we got our drivers license. That gave us a place to do it (the car) and endless locations, but for me the challenge was much greater I was as shy as a little girl. I had zero confidence of self esteem. I think my first real crush was my friends sister, looking back on it now I think it was because I was over there almost every day. One night I was cleaning my car over there and she came outside for what I thought was just friendly conversation only to find out later she wanted more. That was the first of many DOH head slap moments in my life, a Homer moment. We never got to where she wanted, never even made out and life just went on, she found a guy and I was still stuck with me. Forty years later, I’m working in Buffalo New York as I had been doing for the past 7 summers at this point I’m 54 years old divorced for 20 years had a long term relationship that had ended poorly just a few years prior, a father of two sons who hate me, I’m watching Shakespeare in Delaware park and I get a text that says “ hey I’m in Venice for a couple of weeks wondering if you would like to see an old friend “ I replied not knowing who it is “ I would love to but I’m in Buffalo for the summer “ She says “ that’s too bad I was really looking forward to seeing you and having my way with you”.

November 2nd, 2023

So that started a ton of suggestive texting with pictures, all the while I’m looking for flights and was lucky enough to find one that would put me there 3 days before she had to leave, perfect! I created a story to tell my client which involved problems with my house that needed me there asap, no problem. I packed a backpack pack because I didn’t know if I was even going to make it to my house or is this going to be a 3 day never leave the hotel room kind of thing. I landed in the late afternoon and picked up the rental car still plenty of time to get to her hotel and catch a sunset, or not. That’s the thing about the unknown it exciting, you the anticipation makes the mind play crazy scenarios that may or may not happen, I find it best to expect nothing and enjoy what ever happens. I arrived at the hotel which is located across the street from the beach I sat in the car and texted her asking what she was doing. She replied that she was sitting at the beach enjoying the sunshine I asked what color bathing suit she was wearing , beige. Okay I hit the beach and looked around for a woman in a beige suit sitting alone she would be one of the younger girls and if memory serves me she has brown hair. She texting me her dirty thoughts in a very playful way and I replying with the same banter. I see her in a beach chair down near the water sticking out like a sore thumb with her skin so white it will most likely burn without lotion. I approached her from behind stripping off my shirt and flip flops I put my phone and keys with my wallet in the middle of my shirt and wrapped the shirt laying it on the ground and walked maybe 15 feet from her and dove in the water. The water was warm and inviting and clear as day, I bobbed up turned towards her and asked her to join me. The look on her face was priceless, it took a few beats for her to recognize me, but when she did she got up and dove in bobbing up next to me. We had not see or spoke to each other in over 30 years, we’re neck deep in the water and we reach out to each other the feelings and emotions raging through our bodies the tingle of out touch shocked us back to reality but only for a moment, long enough to say “hi” before our lips smashed into each other with a hunger and yearning for only in fables and romance novels.

Christmas blues