Dan the man

This is a good one, early on in my life I harbored an astronomical amount of anger and anxiety and frustration. I felt ill prepared to deal with all that life throws at you. It began very early for me, 11-12 years old, puberty was knocking, but I wasn’t ready to let go of my childhood. I was extremely shy even though I had female friends that I played with and I think the were struggling as well but better equipped to handle it. My parents just let the streets educate us on sex and hormones and change. I was maybe 18 or 19 when I started martial arts and even then I was into the physical aspect of it more so than the spiritual end, I didn’t get into that until my mid 30’s with little results, but by then society and my own emotions had shaped my mindset, now at 64 years old I would say the last 20 years have been very enlightened for me. I am in full control of my mind, body spirit. I am the very best person I can be for however long I have left.

I still watch Jaws every time I come across it, any of the Mission Impossible movies, far too many movies to count. I do enjoy older movies before special effects and just raw acting. All the spaghetti westerns Clint Eastwood made the Dirty Harry movies. I’ve been a movie buff almost all my life. My earliest memory is around 7-8 years old my mom took me to see Fiddler on the Roof, the first scary movie was Psycho, that scared the crap out of me. There was a period of my life when I went to the movies every weekend through my 40’s into my 50’s. I only watch a couple of TV programs, because I like to be entertained and laugh I find the Big Bang theory funny and informative I watch the Rookie, Resident Alien and mostly I just have them on for background noise.

The biggest failure in my life was my first marriage, that broke me so bad I haven’t been the same since, that was 26 years ago and it still affects my life. My 2 sons are nearly strangers because of the divorce and the way my ex poisoned them, used them to hate me as much as she did. After many years of therapy and counseling, after relocating to save my own life so that I can be around for them, after losing everything I had physically and emotionally I began the slow healing process. Terrifying nightmares, sleepless nights the daily struggle to stay sober, the overwhelming loneliness. These would be my everyday for over 20 years. I do take full responsibility for my life and all the shitty choices I made and stayed alone for about 18 years because I did not want to burden anyone with my life. Then, 8 years ago I met my wife and my life went from a 3 to a 10 almost immediately, everything is better I am not the same person I was and have grown to be the person I feel I was meant to be all along. I still get nightmares, not nearly as often, they’re getting less and less. I learned to be a better person to myself, I’m in full control of my life and emotions and that makes me a better human being.

My 40s, at 38 years old I finally got to move away from my family which was both crushing and liberating. When I arrived in Florida those first couple of years were a period of self discovery, it was being reborn for me and I spent it creating the person I am today. The price I paid was far more damaging than I expected so many people were hurt, some beyond repair. On the flip side I grew into the person I wanted to be but was held back by the people that loved me the most. Fortunately I got out and discovered how amazing life can be.

Coming from a construction background there have been many projects done for customers, but I will say the old adage a shoemakers sons don’t have shoes definitely applies to me, or did, but at some point I made time to remodel not just the kitchen no that would be too easy I had to knock down walls to open up the kitchen into the living room and dining room. Now I had far more work that I planned for and the expense went through the roof. After 3 months of working on it every day it was done, that was 6 years ago and it wasn’t long after that maybe 4 years ago I did an entire bathroom remodel. These days I do very little in remodel work, but fell in love with gardening and working outside. I love creating planter boxes and flower beds, trellises and raised beds for vegetables. I feel creativity is an essential element in our lives and should not be put on the back burner while you must earn a living.

That’s an interesting challenge, I am in no way a wordsmith, but am very familiar with the English language. It is jam packed with many, many words and they all do what they’re supposed to do, tell a story, state a statement, describe an event, etc, etc, etc, I do not “hurt” but words they’re a tool of a trade and can hurt like hitting your finger with a hammer or if they’re spat at you in anger and you cannot control your emotions, they comfort, encourage, inspire us. My absolute favorite word is motherfucker, it’s versatile in so many ways and does a great job whatever the intention is. The worst word for me is nigger, it had its place many, many years ago, but it lost its place in the world. Thank GOD. Retard was another word that I feel was used by the ignorant in an attempt to hurt those that were different. A lot of new words have been added to our vocabulary that are lacking in so many ways, but like Shakespeare would say “ words will cometh and words will goeth it’s up to us to use them properly-eth. ???

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m older now, but there are fewer things that excite me and more things that bore me. For most of my life the absolute most boring activity is sitting at a bar. How people find enjoyment in that baffles me, I tried a couple of times, in my early twenties it was new and exciting mostly because it was a rite of passage into adulthood, but for me it wasn’t all it was hyped up to be. It was the eighties there was a group of us, we were into cars, vans and motorcycles and on Friday nights we would meet up at the parking lot across the street from the local popular bar. Sometimes we would go in have a drink or two and go back to hanging out across the street, that went on until we all grew out of it and proceeded on to adulthood. I tried it again in my late thirties, a little different I was going through a divorce and it was a strip club and it was the women that attracted me, along with the booze and drugs it was a perfect storm in destroying my life. These days very little bore me, of course I’m not hanging out in bars I’m hanging out at the beach, in the water, on a boat living life.

This is a topic I have struggled with most of my life. Growing up I never learned the value of myself, I had many friends most were vastly different than each other probably because I was trying to figure out where I would be the happiest. Now, I can see that true happiness comes from within, but then I would stay in awful friendships/relationships because the fear of being hurt or hurting someone was paralyzing. At 64 years old I know now what I should have known then and it was only in the last 20 or so years that I realized I was the only one responsible for my well being and happiness. And just like that the most amazing people came into my life, no more broken women I felt the need to fix, but would inevitably nearly break me, or the guys who just wanted to hang around smoke dope and drink beer and go nowhere in life. I now live a life I have dreamed of with the very best people in it, they inspire me to be better as I do them.

Growing up in New England in a 4 child household, I was number 3, I grew up with all hand me downs so there were Oxfords, penny loafers, and converse sneakers, winter boots that were generic and slippers. As I grew up and was working and able to buy my own clothes and shoes, I opted for Timberlines, Chippewa motorcycle boots and sneakers that were the closest to running shoes I could find. My mom still got me slippers. My Timberlines supported me throughout my days at work, being in a construction business it just made sense, they’re durable and comfortable. The motorcycle boots were only worn while riding and the occasional wedding or funeral. I have the best memories with those boots, I made custom spurs for them kept them like new and had them for over 15 years. The sneakers took me from 205 lbs to 165 lbs. There have been many sneakers between then and now and it’s been great watching the evolution of sneakers becoming running shoes. The Timberlines have been retired and replaced with generic flip flops and the motorcycle boots have been passed down to my eldest son. I moved from CT. to FL. 25 years ago and settled into the beach life, I work part time and enjoy life full time, most days I’m barefoot, I were sneakers to work and when I have to go anywhere else I’m wearing my flip flops, which I bought in Thailand and are the most durable ones I’ve ever had, I also got a pair of dress shoes over there that I wear maybe twice a year usually during the holidays. My life is lived in shorts, tee shirts and flip flops and I am savoring every minute of every day.

The life of Dan. Not an extraordinary life, but definitely a page turner. The beginning, my childhood is a dream come true as far as a childhood goes filled with adventure and exploration of the neighborhood we lived in. Those pesky teen years are a challenge for all those involved with a roller coaster of emotions that warranted a steel grip to survive. Young adult period put me in the late seventies early eighties when sex drugs and rock and roll were the forefront of everyone within a hundred mile radius. Adulthood brought a feeble attempt of being a grown man with devastating consequences that still haunts me today, but today I am a better man filled with wisdom and hands on experiences, some will never be shared all will never be forgotten, unless of course I get dementia or Alzheimer’s in which case I may very well get a full nights sleep, find peace, or finally accept to person looking at me in the mirror.