Dan the man

There were so many, early in middle school there were a couple of girls that would chase me around the playground like they wanted to beat me up, the day I stopped running and let them catch me was the first time I felt attracted to girls, they just hugged me and started kissing me and laughing. From there on out I was crushing on almost all the girls I met. I was that guy that thought every girl was hitting on me. I was so naive I didn’t know any better, you had to hit me in the head with a frying pan before I realized a girl liked me. Turns out it’s an endearing quality. I didn’t lose my virginity until my early twenties, so I felt I had a lot of catching up to do which is insane. Kelly was a girl I met in 8th grade, we ended up going to different high schools, but our paths crossed a few years later, she took my virginity, but I never felt I wanted a relationship with her. I actually felt that way about a lot of women, I couldn’t see myself spending my entire life with any of them. Even when I met my first wife I didn’t imagine we would get married and have children, but that’s exactly what we did and after 15 years we crashed and burned. I remained single for 18 years after that with a couple of girlfriends in the mix, a couple I did see a long life with, but alas it just wasn’t in the cards. I was in my mid 50’s when I met my present wife and honestly I wasn’t crushing on her, but I did see spending the rest of my life with her and it has been awesome to say the least we are going into our 8th year of marriage and I have grown to love her in ways I never thought possible. Who knew?

Other than self loathing !?!? Actually I love the fact that I have learned to control myself. I am a far better listener now, I am a calmer person way more approachable than years ago. At some point in life I committed to improving myself and have found some success through education. This is no easy task for me. Most of my life I was emotionally dependent, weak, in need of acceptance unable to process rejection. The results were nothing short of disastrous, on the plus side I am still amongst the living, not in prison or an institution and I’m able to function is society. Which is an absolute miracle.

There are so many moments that come to mind, but the first one that comes to mind is when my wife and I were in Switzerland visiting her cousin, we had already been there for five or six days visiting different cities with her cousin and husband, but we scheduled a two day trip for ourselves to go to Zermatt and see the Matterhorn. We had to catch a six am train from Basel to Zermatt and easy trip that gave us plenty of time to find our hotel and check in. We had an early lunch as we still weren’t completely over our altitude sickness, we got our tickets for the train taking us up the mountain which was surprisingly steep luckily the weather was ideal, sunny and relatively warm. When we arrived at the station and stepped off the train onto the platform I was taken aback by how big the Matterhorn is, I was humbled by the immensity, looking around I could see I was not the only one feeling this. There wasn’t a lot of people there and it’s weird the way people are taking pictures of themselves more than the mountain, my wife being one of them. I have a couple of dozen pictures of the Matterhorn I am not in any of them, anyway my wife was feeling extra lousy and not enjoying herself very much. When you’re traveling around the world you hear many different languages so you don’t really pay much attention, we were sitting on the stairs outside the train station there were a couple or guys not far from us having a conversation, I noticed my wife listening and she stood up and approached them, they were from Thailand, same as my wife they had a brief conversation and one of the guys gave my wife some medicine. She told me he was a doctor on vacation and suffering the same altitude sickness we were. We go into the gift shop to use the restroom I wait on a bench in the hallway there are three women on the other bench and they are speaking Thai, I bring this to my wife’s attention she starts talking with them one of them gives my wife some medicine for her to take later on. It was one of the greatest moments of my life watching fellow countrymen come together in a totally different country.

These days I struggle to find anything that I am passionate about, hell, I can’t find anything that interests me. I don’t know when it happened, but it did happen I would go out of my way to avoid people or situations that I felt would be uncomfortable for me. I also know I have been struggling with depression for many many years, but honestly I am at the very best place in my life. I have an amazing wife that I love deeply, we travel all around the world, see and meet incredible people, so why so sad, who knows. Maybe it’s because I am older, maybe it’s all the regrets I carry with me. Whatever it is I am fully aware of it and live with it well… and I hide it really well. On the rare occasion I do dream it always becomes a nightmare, but when I’m awake and socially active know one sees the battle inside. Is it the price I pay for a life full of regrets and bad decisions? Who knows.

Autumn, it signifies change. It appears so beautifully with its cool air and vibrant colors, but then the leaves begin to turn brown and fall off the tree in preparation for winter. Having grown up in CT. I miss that, I traded for seasons for the sub tropical climate of southwest Florida and honestly I much prefer hanging Christmas lights on my palm tree in shorts and tank top than hanging lights on my two story colonial up on a ladder in my LL bean coveralls freezing my ass off. We do get to experience change here with the cooler weather of winter bringing the snowbirds back and tourists to increase the traffic and wait times at our favorite restaurants. All that is still better than shoveling snow.

I’m pretty sure it’s different for everyone and it’s not set in stone. My own version of a good life has changed so many times, when I was younger and still learning from my parents I thought a good life was family and friends, a job that paid well, a house that was a home. As I grew up and obtained some of those things I wasn’t feeling fulfilled, I was empty inside there was a void I couldn’t fill. After I hit bottom and threw away everything that I loved Lost all hope that’s when I knew I was completely dead inside devoid of any feeling but anger and despair. I had zero will to live and lived carelessly risking my life and those who were with me. Change had to be made, I had nothing left so I moved, far to a place I hoped would inspire me it was a gamble, but I had no other option. It wasn’t easy at first, I had very little money no friends and no job, but I was determined to find my way. It took a few hard years to get on my feet I learned to open myself to people and experience I’ve had many jobs that never paid much, but my bills were always paid. I never felt good enough to be a husband or even a boyfriend so there was a ton of self improvement to do, and I did and still do decades later. On paper I’m not rich or successful, in real life I am an exactly who I want to be and for me that is the best life I can ever have.

Charlottes web. I think as a child growing up in suburban CT. The idea of farm life was so appealing to me and the relationships was a huge appeal to me. I also was a big Hardy boys and Nancy Drew fan, I loved the mystery and the unraveling of each case. I am still an avid reader with a few favorite authors. Recently I started this blog so I can expand my reading to learn more about what it takes to write a story. I guess you can call it a peer group, I try to stay impartial with every blog I read which has sparked a huge interest in my reading. I am certainly years late getting to the party, but I’m here now and learning so much about myself as well as all the writers here.

Probably honesty, no one likes being lied to and I’m no different. I treat people like I want to be treated so it’s very simple, do unto others. I have very few friends, but the ones I have are priceless. All of my childhood friends are long gone, not by design it’s just life and there’s no very few friendships that last a lifetime, some people, like me move away and we try to maintain a relationship, but the reality is very few are able to do that. I had to learn how to make friends in my forties which was so much easier than in my teens or early twenties, it’s a no nonsense time in our life so we can be straight forward without fear of hurting anyone’s feelings. Life is simple, but it’s a constant struggle to keep it that way, for some reason we feel the need to complicate it.

I was raised Roman Catholic and practiced for all of my youth into my late teens, but after that I just went on living without then need to go to church every Sunday. When I started studying martial arts I was introduced to Buddhism which I related to much more than Catholicism. After all I was an adult at the ripe age of 21 years old I was struggling to go my own way, but my parents kept pulling into their way. I never tried to educate them on Buddhism I knew they would never try it, but I didn’t get the same respect, there was a lot of negative, hurtful comments that only divided us and it remained that way nearly their entire lives. Ironically after all the BS after my dad passed I met a woman from Thailand who is a practitioner of Buddhism and my mother loved her. We got married and are both active in Buddhism.

Do I?? It was the greatest, I mean we got to talk to people face to face even if we didn’t want to we had to in order to get something done, like grocery shopping or clothes shopping or showing up to work. I was born in 1960, we had a black and white box T.V. That got 3 channels that we only watched in the evenings mostly the weekend. When we were entering our teen years we worked towards getting our drivers license saving our paper route money and odd job cash money from birthdays Christmas’s wherever we earned it until we were able to afford a car. We bought what we could afford, by 16 we were pretty mechanically inclined from fixing lawnmowers, snow blowers and mini bikes the skills we learned from our fathers definitely helped. Saturdays or Sundays we would drive until we were lost, sometimes a little most times very lost like 3/4 hours of driving into the unknown lost, but we always found our way home. We had a built in GPS a magnetic pole or genetic compass that helped guide us home. We trusted our instincts listened to our gut feeling had a far deeper connection to our fellow human beings and Mother Nature. We learned from our parents and grandparents, our teachers loved their job and did it with pride and dignity. Our parents rarely knew where we were, but knew we were capable of doing the right things because they raised us with love, compassion, respect and understanding. One dream of mine today is that the internet and everything connected to it be destroyed eliminated so we can go back to how we were meant to live.