Dan the man

When you were five, what did you want to be when you grew up?

No clue!! At sixty four I still haven’t figured out what I want to be. I have done a lot of work in the trades, transportation and health care. So I have dabbled in various fields but have failed to take one to the finish line. As a child I wanted to be a soldier, I even tried to join the navy but my father intervened and kept me from enlisting. So began years of untreated anger issues and living an unfulfilled life. By the time I broke away from my family I was to old to serve and way to broke to pursue any dreams I had, it’s never to late to start anything but, at this point what’s the use? I am always on the lookout for something, anything to spark my passion whatever that may be, but in the back of my mind that is just another dream that will never come true.

What’s something most people don’t understand?

I think today’s youth doesn’t understand how to interact with other people, both men and women. I grew up in the 60’s-70’s and we made friends with to kids in our neighborhood, families that our parents hung out with. Then you met kids in school some became friends others you just knew from school or from the neighborhood. It became daunting as we entered into puberty and started seeing the girls a little differently. I didn’t get my footing until my late teens early twenties, but once I did I found I was pretty good at it. I developed an air of confidence and a sense of humor both oddly enough women found attractive. I was also raised to be a gentleman and walked away from many offers that wouldn’t have hurt anyone but myself I look back on those moments and still slap myself on the forehead. I also had many first dates that were nothing less than tragic, the anxiety that lead to sweating like a water buffalo, the nagging feeling of inadequacy was overwhelming to the point where I believed she was so far out of my league that she was here on a bet or worse, pity UGH! My wife in I whet to Switzerland to visit her cousin and daughter who she is very close to, the daughter is 18 and lives with one of her girlfriends and they wanted to have lunch with us she said she made the arrangements and we met them at a pre arranged location. When we got to the restaurant she didn’t speak with the hostess she just showed her the reservation on her phone, the hostess sat us and a server came and gave us menus and took our drink order. I noticed how uncomfortable the daughter and her friend were, they were struggling to say what they wanted to drink and when it came time for the food order I thought their heads were going to explode from mental anxiety. I have seen this a lot it’s sad to think that future generations will only communicate through their phones. I’m old school I will definitely shake your hand even if you have a cold, flu or your hands are dirty from working in the yard or on the car. I will hug even when you’re sweating from a run or workout. I fear very little in this world, but the thing I fear the most is where the world is heading, A.I. is going to destroy mankind, but maybe we deserve it.

How often do you say “no” to things that would interfere with your goals?

Not very often, basically I’m a “yes” man, I believe it’s my need to help or maybe wanting to be liked or appreciated. This has been a problem my entire life, it creates a problem in my marriage and other relationships that I truly am invested in but deny them because of my saying yes to other people and no to them. I have a job, it’s a part time gig so my afternoons are free, years ago when I was a maintenance man on a property of 60 single family homes occupied by mostly widows and older adults a woman asked me to take the leaves in her backyard so naturally I said yes, well fast forward 8 years I now have 15 yards to rake as well as other landscaping projects. Although I do enjoy the work my plan was to do it until they started dying off, but lo and behold they’re still here and as vibrant as ever. Meanwhile my wife has been waiting for me to finish a bathroom renovation I started 7 years ago. Luckily for me it’s a second bathroom and she doesn’t nag me about it because the main bathroom is beautifully done, but still a good husband would finish the project already.

What is one word that describes you?

I don’t think I can speak for myself, but most everyone that knows me says I’m nice. Like everything else it’s a matter of who you ask because you don’t make it this far in life without pissing somebody off. I imagine if you asked people from my past they would definitely have a different opinion of the people that know me today. My younger self was constantly tormented and frustrated, always angry, I would say I was a grade A asshole. Once I ruined that part of my life with self abuse and destruction I had to decide if I wanted to become a better person or continue my downward spiral. I have to say I chose wisely and have been very happy in my life for quite some time now.

Who is the most confident person you know?

My wife. Actually she is a huge inspiration for me, she came to America from Thailand she was visiting her cousin who had already been here many years. We met by chance at her cousins restaurant I went there for dinner, it was a slow night my friend Jennifer who runs the dining room sat with me while mg food was being prepared, we were have a nice conversation just catching up and she asked if I had a girlfriend, I said no she said “ I have one in the kitchen for you” and got up went into the kitchen and returned with the woman who became my wife. She was a very typical Thai girl, a bit shy and quiet, but very strong in morals values and ethics she is also very sure of herself and who she is and confident in that she doesn’t compromise on her beliefs or feelings and will not settle. She is a woman I felt was out of my league, but I was at a point of personal growth myself when we met so I came to love myself and adopted a lot of her strength as well as creating my own. Today a mere 8 years later we are what I consider a power couple, we’re both strong in our ethics and values and we attract some of the greatest people around.

What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

This is a good one, early on in my life I harbored an astronomical amount of anger and anxiety and frustration. I felt ill prepared to deal with all that life throws at you. It began very early for me, 11-12 years old, puberty was knocking, but I wasn’t ready to let go of my childhood. I was extremely shy even though I had female friends that I played with and I think the were struggling as well but better equipped to handle it. My parents just let the streets educate us on sex and hormones and change. I was maybe 18 or 19 when I started martial arts and even then I was into the physical aspect of it more so than the spiritual end, I didn’t get into that until my mid 30’s with little results, but by then society and my own emotions had shaped my mindset, now at 64 years old I would say the last 20 years have been very enlightened for me. I am in full control of my mind, body spirit. I am the very best person I can be for however long I have left.

What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times?

I still watch Jaws every time I come across it, any of the Mission Impossible movies, far too many movies to count. I do enjoy older movies before special effects and just raw acting. All the spaghetti westerns Clint Eastwood made the Dirty Harry movies. I’ve been a movie buff almost all my life. My earliest memory is around 7-8 years old my mom took me to see Fiddler on the Roof, the first scary movie was Psycho, that scared the crap out of me. There was a period of my life when I went to the movies every weekend through my 40’s into my 50’s. I only watch a couple of TV programs, because I like to be entertained and laugh I find the Big Bang theory funny and informative I watch the Rookie, Resident Alien and mostly I just have them on for background noise.

How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success?

The biggest failure in my life was my first marriage, that broke me so bad I haven’t been the same since, that was 26 years ago and it still affects my life. My 2 sons are nearly strangers because of the divorce and the way my ex poisoned them, used them to hate me as much as she did. After many years of therapy and counseling, after relocating to save my own life so that I can be around for them, after losing everything I had physically and emotionally I began the slow healing process. Terrifying nightmares, sleepless nights the daily struggle to stay sober, the overwhelming loneliness. These would be my everyday for over 20 years. I do take full responsibility for my life and all the shitty choices I made and stayed alone for about 18 years because I did not want to burden anyone with my life. Then, 8 years ago I met my wife and my life went from a 3 to a 10 almost immediately, everything is better I am not the same person I was and have grown to be the person I feel I was meant to be all along. I still get nightmares, not nearly as often, they’re getting less and less. I learned to be a better person to myself, I’m in full control of my life and emotions and that makes me a better human being.

Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.

My 40s, at 38 years old I finally got to move away from my family which was both crushing and liberating. When I arrived in Florida those first couple of years were a period of self discovery, it was being reborn for me and I spent it creating the person I am today. The price I paid was far more damaging than I expected so many people were hurt, some beyond repair. On the flip side I grew into the person I wanted to be but was held back by the people that loved me the most. Fortunately I got out and discovered how amazing life can be.

Describe the most ambitious DIY project you’ve ever taken on.

Coming from a construction background there have been many projects done for customers, but I will say the old adage a shoemakers sons don’t have shoes definitely applies to me, or did, but at some point I made time to remodel not just the kitchen no that would be too easy I had to knock down walls to open up the kitchen into the living room and dining room. Now I had far more work that I planned for and the expense went through the roof. After 3 months of working on it every day it was done, that was 6 years ago and it wasn’t long after that maybe 4 years ago I did an entire bathroom remodel. These days I do very little in remodel work, but fell in love with gardening and working outside. I love creating planter boxes and flower beds, trellises and raised beds for vegetables. I feel creativity is an essential element in our lives and should not be put on the back burner while you must earn a living.